Issue link: https://www.ascpskindeepdigital.com/i/1489006
New member benefit! Get the ASCP SkinPro app at ascpskincare.com/skinpro 79 advice and opinions can be avoided by cultivating confidence in what you do know and are able to share within your scope and in the value you bring within that expansive scope. Most of us offer opinions and advice throughout the day in all sorts of ways to friends and loved ones. It's a habit. And habits are things that, once established, happen without our conscious engagement. Opinions are part of how we interact. We imagine that the sharing of our opinions is one of our tools of connection. It may seem counterintuitive, but particularly when we are interacting with our clients, offering advice and opinions can have a silencing effect that quietly undermines their ability to work things out for themselves. We offer advice typically because of one of two dynamics: Either a client directly asks for our opinion, or we are inspired by something a client has shared and feel like we can intervene with "helpful" information. More than chin- wagging, these situations call for patience and self-awareness. When a client says, "My doctor says I should (insert doctor's advice here)," or "My boyfriend keeps saying I need to (insert boyfriend's advice here)," and follows it up with a "What do you think?" it's time to get curious. Even if every fiber of your being is shouting, "Your boyfriend is an idiot! That's terrible advice!" you need to want to help this person find their sense of how they feel about the advice they've been offered. When a person asks what you think about advice offered by someone else, they are really saying, "I don't totally agree with this." Intuitively, they know this advice is not likely to be effective for them. You can help them access the wisdom that lies in that knowing, but you'll miss that opportunity if you weigh in with your activated response and desire to help. I try not to invoke G.I. Joe as a general rule, but knowing is half the battle. You'll have to make a conscious decision to begin inserting questions like, "Am I about to offer advice when I could be inviting inquiry?" . . . or some version that works for you. The beauty is that whether we find ourselves about to offer our opinion because we were asked directly or because we feel like we "need to," the practice to break this habit is the same. When a client says, "I always forget to wash my face after a late night," this is not a request for your opinion, but you'd be in the minority if this statement didn't inspire some desire to share tips and tricks to increase the likelihood of this behavior changing. The most important question is, "What's mine to do/say in the face of this statement in this moment?" In most cases, you will have time. You will be seeing this person again. And if you're in an environment where it's not likely that you'll see them again, you're highly unlikely to inspire lasting behavior change with some tip or opinion you offer during a single treatment session. Whether you think you'll be working with this person over time or not, your first and most important job is to listen. Fully. Just hear what this person is saying. Listen for what they're not saying. People say things like the statement above to head off your advice at the pass. They tell you they're too lazy or forgetful to wash their face, but they've already been told by countless other well-meaning people that they just need to set a reminder, do their complete skin care routine before bed, or some other advice that clearly hasn't stuck. They don't want or need more tips. They need you to hear them. Western culture is constitutionally averse to believing that not talking is a great way to build trust and rapport, but it's true. People report enjoying their "conversations" with others most when those others use their name and ask them questions about themselves. You have to regulate your inner response and be able, in real-time, to notice if you're about to speak because you feel like what you just heard "needs fixing" or if you want to invite the person talking to think more » »